I Hear You
One of my proudest accomplishments? I didn’t have a cavity until I was 40 years old (so… like, last week!). While I wish I could say it was all due to my careful, outstanding oral hygiene, it’s mostly due to good genes and the privilege of early access to dental care. Despite my sense of orthodontic pride, I do not love going to the dentist and find the experience quite stressful. I was able to decrease some of that stress after I learned three important words that changed everything for me.
I get to.
I learned more about these words when I attended an event where a guest speaker encouraged us to catch our self-talk. This woman instructed us to listen for the situations in life that yielded an “I have to” and to simply insert “I get to” in its place. I could shift the sentiment “I have to go to the dentist.” to “I get to go do the dentist and support my health.” This instantly changed my sense of being afraid and helpless to feeling empowered with the knowledge that I had a choice to embrace this opportunity for my health.
Seems easy enough in this simple example. What about the tough and daunting experiences that we all face? What about the bigger discouragements and fears that drop into our lives uninvited? There is power in shifting self-talk in even the worst of circumstances which may be peppered with “I have to” “I hate to” “I don’t want to.”
There is Hope
When I tune in to any negatively slanted talk, this can serve as an alert that some part of me is feeling something significant: scared. When I can notice this voice as it rants and resists, it’s a clue that some tender part within needs me to acknowledge that I face something that is full of challenge. If I can acknowledge this fear or uncertainty, I can talk to myself about the situation in such a way that promotes feeling capable, comforted, and courageous to move forward into the difficult.
“When I can notice this voice as it rants and resists, it’s a clue that some tender part within needs me to acknowledge that I face something that is full of challenge.”
Neuroscience is developing more understanding about this ability to talk to ourselves with different “voices” or confrontational dialogue. When we turn our attention to what each internal message is saying, we better understand what we actually need and then respond by shifting towards the possible.
Understanding that the initial negative talk is likely a warning that we need something, we can create agency and shift our felt experience, choose how we think and engage with people and circumstances in our life with more peace and ease.
“I have to do something I don’t want to do.” can become “I get to tackle this challenge and reap the reward of satisfaction.”
“I have to go to dinner with so and so.” can shift to “I can create meaningful dialogue with a loved one and improve the relationship rather than be resentful.”
Ways to Practice
When you catch the warning or negative phrases:
I have to
I should
I must
(Write your own that you may say to yourself)
Practice new sentence starters for the situation and see how it feels:
I get to
I want to
I choose to
Practice makes progress! Take out some pen and paper, grab a trusted someone to practice with, or just record yourself saying these different types of sentences. See what helps your body relax, increase your sense of confidence and the possibility of hope.
May you get to enjoy the changes and challenges of each new day. If you are struggling, there is hope. Please check out our resources, blog archive, and bookshelf for some guidance and inspiration.
With joy and peace,
Sandra