As the World Turns
It’s happening again. Shaking in a cold sweat, panic crawling up my chest into my neck, trying to catch my breath. I ruined everything!! I played the wrong notes at the wrong time, the curtain came down too early on the actors, I was supposed to go on stage and take over the leading actress’ role, and I was late. This was the worst scenario that could possibly unfold in this moment! Then, I suddenly realize that I’m not actually backstage. There is no stage. I’m not in the orchestra pit at all or responding to angry conductors or confused thespian…I’m alone sitting up in bed having just awoke from ANOTHER nightmare. Whew!
When being a musician was my full-time gig, this nightmare was a main attraction over and over for about six weeks. I had just completed a grueling months-long music gig as a substitute for one of the regular musicians. The atmosphere was oppressive, everyone seemed stoic, and almost no one talked to me. I felt on edge and afraid most of the time. To stay sharp during performance, I couldn’t let my mind lean into the fear, process the frustration of being an isolated and an outsider, and wondering if I had what it took to get through this gig. If I had allowed the feelings, I feared it would dismantle my concentration, paralyze my ability to endure long rehearsals, and really mess with the performance. In other words, I felt on the edge of becoming a shaking, sniveling mess, so I stuffed it down. Once that job was over, my subconscious mind really let the feelings flow in forms of these seemingly endless nightmares. It was my mind’s way of processing the stress that I didn’t have room to examine during my waking hours.
We’re beginning to move into new phases of returning to the world with more room to roam the places we used to belong, connecting with others, and experiencing some of our favorite things in new ways. As we stretch the arms of our bodies and souls, the voices of our loss and the trauma of what we experienced may start to rise as well. In the last newsletter, I wrote about allowing for grief, but what I am talking about now is giving acknowledgement to the trauma that we may have gone through in the past 18 months without realizing it. We may have felt things, lost things, experienced change that we muscled through because it was the only way, but in the softening of our rhythms and isolation, those moments that were difficult may start to rise to the surface. They, too, deserve to come out of isolation and be heard, felt, and released.
Bring awareness to whatever it is you are feeling as you recognize something of loss. Let any feeling come to the surface as you are able. Notice what the feeling is. This could range from anger to sadness to disbelief.
Stay neutral. Don’t judge it as good or bad, but try to observe this memory or thought that has come up. Avoid shaming yourself with thoughts of “I shouldn’t be feeling or thinking this.” Respond to yourself as you might respond to a friend having the same thoughts or feelings.
Bring curiosity by asking yourself questions about the feeling:
What was hardest about that moment?
Did I gain anything from that hardship?
What did I like about the way I responded in the moment?
What might I do differently in the future?
Bring loving action and care to yourself.
After recognizing trauma and letting the feelings about it be known, get radically curious about how to nurture yourself in response.
Find a support group to further explore your experiences.
Take a vacation or even a day off to do things/be with people that refresh you.
Ask for individual help to process what may not yet make sense to you about your experience.
With this gentle, mindful approach to the wave of thoughts, memories, and feelings that may appear as the world opens up can help you flourish as we continue to face new stressors and adjustments. While there are more changes that we are likely to have to integrate, we can help ourselves navigate our inner world with curiosity and compassion and, hopefully, a good night’s sleep!
There is hope. There is help. If you or someone you care about is struggling, please call the Center for Vitality and Balance and let us discover how to help you create healing.