Grieving Together
“This sucks.”
Despite our shared humanity in these losses, it seems like running face first into grief leaves us perplexed about how to respond to ourselves or others.
These two words composed one of the most beautiful sentences I had ever read. It was the signature on a card I received after the sudden loss of someone I loved. That heartfelt thought acknowledged what it was really like for me. No advice, no phrases that I should embrace as I move forward. Just real presence, honest expression. I felt less alone. I have kept that card for 25 years as a reminder of what shared humanity truly feels like.
February is a tender month. Typically a time of promoting love, connections, and being partnered, many of us have lived experiences that feel lonelier or more disconnected than what is marketed. Sometimes, for some us, it feels shaming if our reality doesn’t reflect the expectation of the culture around us. The heart is a vibrant part of our being, but it needs special support when it is broken, grieving, hurt, or lonely.
I have had my heart broken more times than I can count and it came in all forms: end of relationship, death of a loved one, losing out on an audition or job, disappointing outcomes, sudden violence, money that seemed to dissolve, illness, injury, being picked last for a team, the phone not ringing (or pinging or alerted). All the ways you might imagine feeling left behind, stunned, or unwanted has occurred—it’s true for each of us. There isn’t a single person without heartache or struggle. Despite our shared humanity in these losses, it seems that when faced grief we become perplexed about how to respond to ourselves or others.
Someone once told me that to be seen is to be healed. This profoundly resonates with me as a person-centered therapist. As we recover from and integrate the losses in our life we long for presence and understanding, to have someone see our sorrow and just let it be. Below are some thoughts about bringing comfort to your grief as well as some ideas on how to comfort someone else experiencing heartache.
Comforting Yourself During Loss
Be honest—and give yourself credit by naming what you lost (relationship, status, hope).
Write down or talk to someone about all the painful, true, and ugly thoughts and feelings in response to the loss.
Find ways to honor the meaning of the loss. You may want to create ritual that brings honor and comfort to the loss like planting flowers, donating to a cause, placing significant pictures around, or artistic expression.
Loss creates change in how we see ourselves, others, and the world. Name ways that you have changed, noting what changes you want to keep, and which changes are left to heal.
Comforting Others During Loss
Know that you don’t have to take away someone else’s pain.
Tell them how you feel about their loss. Authenticity is healing.
Avoid giving advice about how to cope. Instead, ask “How can I support you now?”
Bring food, do their laundry, run an errand. Taking care of the everyday tasks helps others have energy for the emotions of loss.
As grief ebbs and flows, do check in with “How are you feeling today?”
Whatever you may be going through, may you find true comfort in the heartache. If the burden of grief feels too heavy, there is hope. Please contact us at the Center for Vitality and Balance to find out about resources and opportunities for support.
In peace,
Sandra
Music to Soothe the Soul
After the death of a loved one in 2019, my friend Cathy Kuna, a cellist, came over to make music with me and give soothe to the soul. We improvised together for a while to let our hearts feel the sadness, the unknowing of grief. We caught some of it on recording. I share it as a meditation for your own process.