When We Feel Out of Control
Images © 2023, Sandra Carey
I was walking on the beach in Oregon recently, enjoying the crash of the waves and the firm slush of sand under my boots. I was headed towards the famed Haystack Rock on Cannon Beach, and I stopped in my tracks as I took in the breathtaking sight. The awe I felt was not filled with heartwarming wonder and majesty that I often experience as I stand next to trees or other examples of nature’s beauty. Instead, my awe felt like a tidal wave of overwhelm stoked with terror! I teetered towards the tower of rock, afraid that it might notice my presence and shudder in my direction. I was stunned into silence by this aged mammoth of nature, aware of its ancient presence and the vastness of this planet. I became shockingly aware of how small I am in comparison to the cosmos, how fleeting my life will be, and leaned into the idea that everything is out of my control.
In the shadow of ancient rocks and the mesmerizing lull of the surf, I remember that there is something greater than me that has always been, and will always be at work in the world. As much as I would like to maintain control to ensure my comfort, security, or success, I cannot hold the reins of life in my tiny human hands. I am defenseless against mother nature, against the choices others make, against senseless violence, against the experience of prejudice and hate. That day on the beach, the initial terror eventually melted into understanding and a sobering reconnection to the power within me.
When I tune in only to the initial shock of uncomfortable experiences and give into the wave of reaction that may wash over me, I forget what is mine to control and lose hope. In lieu of attempting to regain the wheel of control, all I can do is choose how to respond. I can become trapped in the fight for power over my environment by insisting I’m right, or my way is the only way, or fearing others, or alternately giving into despair that I can’t do anything to create change. With the help of therapists and trusted others, I am learning how to fine tune my patterns when confronted with overwhelm and learning to focus in on how I can respond to life itself.
In a world overflowing with input, drama, and chaos, it’s easy to be discouraged and distracted from our power to choose what to do. For some, who may have never felt they were allowed to or who have struggled to believe they have choice, it takes practice, and it’s okay to go at your own pace.
Embracing Your Power to Choose
Here are some thoughts about strengthening what you can control and increasing peace and hope in the powerful presence of life.
Take a Breath
When something unpleasant happens, it’s important to pause and take a breath. Allow yourself a few seconds to breathe and bring awareness to your needs in a situation before reacting.
Remain Curious about What You’re Feeling
Ask “What am I feeling in response to…..” or “What is occurring that leads to my feeling/reaction?” Getting familiar with your emotions can help them from taking control of your response to situations.
Examine the Situation
Also look at any experience objectively to minimize helplessness or overwhelm. This is where talking things over with others can be helpful to gain perspective.
Choose Your Response
After breathing, bringing curiosity, and examining situations, you get to choose a response that is in line with your values. You get to decide what feels supportive of you.
Admittedly, I admired Haystack Rock from a window in my room the rest of my visit. I valued the powerful presence that reminded me I may not have control of all things, but I’m willing to respond to myself to create healing and growth.
If situations feel overwhelming or you have experienced feelings of helplessness or despair, there is help. There is hope.
Please reach out to the Center for Vitality to Balance to find support towards your next best step.
In peace and awe,
Sandra
